your guts are like mine

[thetokyobombdisaster]

i finished this short film script a few months back,but i have never tried to get any criticism. here it is, you either like it,or you dont,i dont really like the 2 pro's-2 con's bullshit...that's stupid. just leave me things that will help me do better with writing. thanks


FIRST DRAFT-


INT. LIBRARY - DAY
There is a young man, standing, looking at books. He thumps through various ones at random. He has a bag with him. This is CESAR BERNAL. His facial expression is very blank. He picks out a book, and walks down the library aisle. The camera follows.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Cesar Bernal first visited the library when he was eight. He had an interest in sea urchins and every day after school would come visit the library.

The book Cesar has is titled ? Sea Urchins and the Blue Sea?. He walks over to an empty desk and sits down. He puts the bag on the table, and opens the book. He attempts to read it, but is disrupted with various things, rowdy kids, a loud air conditioner. He puts the book aside, and opens the bag, and pulls out a picture frame. He positions the picture frame up on the desk, and looks at it. He puts his head down on the table.


Close-up of picture frame.
NARRATOR (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Flora Jones was born sixteen years ago in Los Angeles. Her grandmother was stabbed sixty-one times in the back four years ago.
Cut back to Cesar.
Cesar is rubbing the picture frame, but not smiling. He slowly puts it away, and zips up the bag. Cesar gets up, and drops a book off on a shelf, the rowdy kids are close by.
NARRATOR (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Cesar loved Flora. Now he no longer feels, anything.
INT. RESTAURAUNT - NIGHT
A young man is sitting at a table, by himself, looking at medical books, and reading. This is STEPHEN PORTRAIT. He looks around and squints his eyes.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Stephen Portrait?s father was a doctor, but was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and died three years ago.
Stephen pulls out a picture of a girl from his wallet. This is DAISY. He then puts the picture in the book as a bookmark.
NARRATOR (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Daisy Phillips was diagnosed with Leukemia.
CUT TO:
INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY - NIGHT
Stephen is walking through the halls, carrying books in his arms.
CUT TO:
INT. HOSPITAL LOBBY - NIGHT
Stephen is sitting, reading the books.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Daisy is only sixteen. Her doctors told her she only has two months to live.
Stephen is looking at Daisy?s picture.
NARRATOR (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Stephen met Daisy at a carnival. She had blue eyes, and rode the Ferris wheel. Stephen loved Daisy.
CUT TO:
INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY - NIGHT
Stephen is looking out of a hospital window, viewing the traffic. He then walks over to a wall, and looks at a ?human body poster? on the wall and sits down.
Close-up of his face. Stephens face is mysterious, and broken, but not completely emotional or loose. He looks around, gets up, and walks out of the room.
CUT TO:
EXT. PAY PHONE AREA -NIGHT
Stephen approaches a pay phone. He puts in a quarter and dials a number.
STEPHEN
Cesar? It?s Stephen....
(the audio cuts out but the conversation continues)
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Cesar and Stephen have been best friends since they were nine. Stephen lived down the street, and they would often play at the playground. Stephen loves Cesar.
Stephen hangs up the phone and looks around.
CUT TO:
INT. CESAR?S ROOM -NIGHT
Cesar is hanging up the telephone, and is playing video games. Cesar is playing the video games and the framed picture of Flora is standing tall on a counter.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Cesar and Flora dated for two years. Flora?s father died in a car accident. It was a closed casket. After the funeral, Flora broke up with Cesar.
CUT TO:
INT. BATHROOM -NIGHT
Cesar is now looking in the mirror, turning the light switch off and on.
CUT TO:
EXT. OUTSIDE HOSPITAL - NIGHT
Stephen is outside the hospital, sitting on a curb, and looking around.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Stephen and Daisy dated for one year and eight months. Daisy was diagnosed with Leukemia eight months ago. Stephen hasn?t seen her for six months.
CUT TO:
INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY - NIGHT
Stephen is walking down the hallways, going through various doors, and then stopping at a certain one. He sits down against the wall, and puts his head down.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
It took Stephen?s father eleven months to die from cancer. Daisy will die in one month.
CUT TO BLACK:
SUBTITLE - ONE MONTH LATER
INT. CESAR?S ROOM - DUSK
It is dark, and Cesar walks over and turns on a light. He paces around. After a while, he puts on some pants and grabs the framed picture of Flora, puts it in his bag, and walks out.
EXT. STREET SIDEWALK - DUSK
Stephen is walking towards the hospital, he enters it.
INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY -DAY
Stephen is walking, enters elevator, and goes up.
CUT TO:
EXT. PARK -NIGHT
Cesar is walking along a sidewalk, at a park, and sits down on a bench. He pulls out the picture of Flora, and looks at it.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Cesar met Flora at a park. She was roller blading. Cesar still goes to that park. Some things you just have to let go.
CUT TO:
INT. HOSPITAL - DAY
Stephen gets out of the elevator, and paces slowly down the hallway.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Everyone close to Stephen has died.
Stephen stops outside a door and pauses. He finally opens it, and there is an empty hospital bed. This was Daisy?s room. Stephen?s face is emotionless, he sits on the bed, and looks out the window.
CUT TO:
EXT. PARK -DAY
Cesar is standing up, holding Flora?s picture.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Some things just have to be let go.

Cesar smashes the picture against the ground.

CUT TO BLACK:


THE END

[Kev Owens]

Firstly Charles, I'm glad that your recent death hasn't perturbed your thirst for film-making.

I read your script, and had to go back and re-read quite a few parts to actually follow. I think the reason for that is that this is very much a visual orientated script. The short, sharp descriptions work sometimes, but not others- sometimes longer sentences are need in the description to allow it to flow better.

In terms of narrative, I'd say it's very weak and unoriginal, but if I'm right about the visuals being more important then that doesn't really cause a major problem.

A suggestion- drop the narrator, see how it works without it, be a little bit more descriptive and allow the action to speak. (plus, I'd also drop any camera direction for now)

All in all I think it's okay, but it has potential. It would be nice if it felt as though the script actually went somewhere narratively.

[andyblaa]

If you must blatently rip-off The Royal Tenenbaums, then at least do it well. I like the idea of the film, it's like something I might write, but it doesn't have any substance and is far too short.

The visuals don't tell us anything whatsoever about the story, it all comes from the narrator. You could play the Narration over black and it would have the same effect as the visuals.

I agree, lose the narration and stop trying to be Wes Anderson.

Don't get me wrong, I absolutley loved Tenenbaums, it's one of my favourite films, but you need to come up with a way to do your story YOUR way.

Now, if you say you've never seen the Royal Tenenbaums then switch all the reference to it to references to Amelie. Either way it's a rip off.

Anywhoo, you can definately write so keep going.

[GREATwarEAGLE]

INT. LIBRARY - DAY
There is a young man, standing, looking at books. He thumps through various ones at random. He has a bag with him. This is CESAR BERNAL. His facial expression is very blank. He picks out a book, and walks down the library aisle. The camera follows.

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">INT. LIBRARY - DAY

CESAR BERNAL, (age), stands thumbing through books. With a bag in hand he selects a book, continues down the aisle.

Simplicity and brevity always strengthen a script.

And yeah, what arrogant opinionated asshole came up with that stupid 2pro 2con shit?

[thetokyobombdisaster]

usually whenever i write, i'm usually influenced by something i'm very interested at the moment,whatever...and i'm definitely not seeing the royal tenenbaums,even though i am an avid fan of the movie. but i dont remember the narration being nearly as important to the film as it is in this instance. i'm in no way defending my writing,i know it's unoriginal...whatever, but i really didnt understand the connection. whenever i wrote this, i really liked y tu mama tambien.

[andyblaa]

Ok fair enough, replace all my references to Y Tu Mama Tambien. I didn't mention that film since I thought it would be the least likely of the three that you had seen.

I also loved Y Tu Mama, and would love to make something like it. But I think you've got to try and develop your own style, or at least alter someone else's. You've even used the second name of one of the leads in Y Tu Mama as the name for your protag.

Like I said, you can technically write. Now you need to craft a good story and deal with it in an interesting way. Tenenbaums, Y Tu Mama and Amelie all did this, albeit using the now over-used method of Soft Detail Narration (that's what I've called it, it's probably got a proper name).

Read some other scripts and try to come up with a different way to handle your story. I believe there is no real point writing if you know what you're doing is not original.

Good luck, though.

Andy

[Littlerich]

Having just re-read yur script, I'm left wondering "What's the point of all this"?

You have basically written about 2 seemingly un-related characters and the people who have died in their lives.

One of the problems is this doesn't seem to be going anywhere.... The viewer (or reader) is going through your story, trying to remember all the dfetails you have included about the deceased relations of the 2 men, but this just doesn't seem relevant. The end leaves me thinking "Is there a point to all of this"?

Another problem is the (dead) characters seem to have a lot of detail, lots of informaion about them (maybe too much), but there doesn't seem to be much info about Stephen and Cesar. (In fact, I had to check to even remember their names)...

I can tell you can design characters well, but it would seem you forgot to design any characteristics for Stephen and Cesar.

May I suggest you try to come up with a story-line that would make all of this relevant?

How about:
(It may be an advert - "These people all died through smoking")?